“Don’t get happy!” came the thundering voice from the sidelines.

It was a classic saying of the late Norm Walker, my football coach, English teacher, poet, wisdom-giver, and wonderful man in high school at Holderness School. It sounded strange at first blush, but made sense the longer one played for Coach Walker: he hated cockiness, not simply because it is, well, obnoxious, but more importantly because cockiness breeds complacency, and complacent teams don’t win football games. And Coach definitely liked to win football games.

But, perhaps that’s not a fair statement. Certainly, he did like to win - and he did so prolifically, running up an 83-1 record and won six New England championships in 23 years. But Coach wanted not just to win, but to win well.

“You’ve gotta have respect,” he’d say gently, forcefully, in his Boston Irish accent. “Respect for yourself. But you can’t have respect for yourself without first having respect for your opponent. Respect them at the start, respect them when you’re losing, respect them when you’re winning. No respect, and the scoreboard means nothing.”

Legend has it that when Norm came up from Newton North High School in Massachusetts to make football players from skiers and climbers in New Hampshire (he always affably called me Nortie, my crunchy tackle!) in 1984, the first season saw a devastating, demoralizing 41-0 loss to our rival. Norm spoke to the opposing coach after the game, curtly stating: “Congrats, Coach. But that’s not how you win a football game. And you won’t beat us again.”

What Coach was getting at was the idea of respect. The rival team had a safe margin of a few touchdowns by halftime; Holderness had no real chance of winning. But, the opposing team was relentless, determined to run the score up as high as possible, not just winning, but rubbing noses in defeat.

A year later, the positions were reversed. By halftime in 1985, the rival team was down 21-0. Norm put another touchdown on the scoreboard before doing what most coaches would not: he pulled many of his starters, replacing them with JV players eager to get time in the big leagues. The rival notched a touchdown and a 2-point conversion, but Coach kept the JV’s in, confident with the point margin. The game ended with Holderness on top 37-8, a comfortable win without demoralizing, debasing the opponent. Coach strode across the field, shook hands with the opposing coach, and said: “Now that is how you win a football game. You do it with respect.”

This story sprung to mind recently when I heard JD Vance saying: “In a perfect world we would love it if somebody came to power in Iran who was willing to work with the United States, who was willing to show some respect to the United States…”

Respect.

In my experience - on a football field, on a mountain, in business, in life - respect is not a one way street. It is not something demanded, but rather earned. Respect is symbiotic; interdependent; multi-sum, not zero-sum: we get it when we give it, we lose it when we don’t.

It’s not a new concept, nor should it be a difficult one to understand, digest, implement, model, to expect of ourselves and one another. But somehow it is lost on much of our society, from the trolled trenches of “social” media to the offices of our highest leadership. We’ve morphed from the Golden Rule of Luke 6:31 to the gilted fist of ignorant power.

Our government, our nation, wants respect. That’s natural, but not a given. In response to Mr. Vance, I’d ask a simple question: How can our nation expect respect from others - even its own citizens - when:

• We broke international law we helped craft to invade a nation that had not attacked us - regardless of how utterly loathsome their leadership might have been?
• We mistakenly bombed a girls school, killing 175 civilians, and while Senator Kennedy admitted and apologized for it, our Commander in Chief cannot bring himself to do so?
• We followed not our own priorities and decisions, but likely those of another country (and one run by someone of questionable ethics), into a war with no clear goal, no clear plan, and as yet no clear outcome?
• Our Fox-News-Host-cum-Secretary-of-Defense, Pete Hegseth, not only championed the idea of punching enemies when they’re down, but also giving Iranians “no quarter, no mercy,” which is not only immoral, but a designated war crime.
• We toppled a leader in Venezuela not to help the people of that country, but to help ourselves to their oil, allowing different characters from the same corrupt regime to take the helm.
• Chances are reasonable we will allow the same - or worse - to befall the Iranian people.
• We’ve used $150,000 Hellfire missiles to blast Colombian fisherman from the water while allowing DOGE to cut funding to help our citizens most in need.
• Our government has unleashed a Ustaše-esque group of under-trained, masked thugs on the streets of “enemy” US cities to harass, arrest, and terrorize communities in the name of safety and security, leading to the cold-blooded murder of two citizens, Renee Good and Alex Pretti - something for which Trump has yet to apologize or even fully acknowledge. (All while the amazing citizens of Minneapolis showed courage, power, and all the virtues deserving of respect.)
• Under Musk and DOGE, we shuttered USAID in the name of cost cutting. The $35 billion budget (2024) was about 0.74% of our national budget, but returned far more in “soft power” and goodwill - as well as simply doing the right thing ethically. Meanwhile, we increased the defense budget to $961.6 billion.
• Our top leadership sat in the White House and berated - on national/international TV - Volodymyr Zelenskyy (who has been leading his country valiantly through a brutal war with Russia for several years) for not showing sufficient respect and gratitude to them, and for not wearing a suit. (In stark contrast to, for example, the welcome paid to Mohammed bin Salman - who was not wearing a suit, and is most likely responsible for the brutal murder of Jamal Khashoggi, according to the Director of National Intelligence report.)
• We’re currently threatening to cut H.I.V. funding to Zambia - the world’s 6th poorest country according to the World Bank - to pressure them to grant access to their critical mineral wealth. An estimated 1.3 million people in Zambia rely on daily H.I.V. treatment for survival.
• The list could go on, and on, and on…

We, as a nation, do not have respect - not from our friends, not from our enemies, not from many of our own citizens. And for one simple reason: we have not earned it.

But, what is lost can indeed be earned back.

We, as American citizens, as global citizens, can - and should, and must - demand more of our leaders, of our government.

We can - and should, and must - demand we treat our citizens with respect, our environment with care, our people with dignity.

We can - and should, and must - act on the global stage as the leader we once were, not the thug we’ve become.

We can - and should, and must - demand positive relations with our friends and allies, and strong-but-respectful stances against our enemies.

We can - and should, and must - demand accountability, transparency, honesty, and humility from every office.

We can - and should, and must - make our voices heard through peaceful protest, steadfast insistence, and the power we all hold to cast our ballots in November for a brighter tomorrow.

And, most importantly, most pressingly, we can - and should, and must - start with ourselves.